How to Help Loved Ones

Tell her/him/they what you see. Ask direct questions about their abuse, gently. Give them time to talk. Ask again a few days later. Don’t rush into providing a solution. Ex. “I noticed a bruise on your arm…”

Express concern for their well-being and assure them they did not cause, or ask, for the abuse. Ex: “I am worried about you…this is not your fault”

Show support. If they choose to talk about the abuse, listen without passing judgment or telling them what they should have done. The victim knows what is safest for them and their children. You can emphasize that domestic violence tends to get worse and becomes more frequent with time and that it doesn’t go away on its own. Ex: “No one deserves to be hurt, however, I will respect whatever decision you make.”

Refer, Refer, Refer! You don’t have to be the expert. There are trained professionals in your community. CFJ is one. Call our office at 203-334-6154 or one of the hotlines:

1. Learn what is age appropriate and what is not.

Having realistic expectations of what children can handle at certain ages will help you avoid frustration and anger at normal child behavior. For example, newborns are not going to sleep through the night without a peep, and toddlers are not going to be able to sit quietly for extended periods of time.

2. Develop new parenting skills.

While learning to control your emotions is critical, you also need a game plan of what you are going to do instead. Start by learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set clear boundaries for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars are a way to get this information. You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.

4. Get professional help.

Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if the patterns are strongly entrenched. If you can’t seem to stop yourself no matter how hard you try, it’s time to get help, be it therapy, parenting classes or other interventions. Your children will thank you for it. Contact The Center for Family Justice for more information.

5. Learn how you can get your emotions under control.

The first step to getting your emotions under control is realizing that they are there. If you were abused as a child, you may have an especially difficult time getting in touch with your range of emotions. You may have had to deny or repress them as a child, and now they spill out without your control.